Where will you sit this Sunday?

What goes through your mind as you approach church on Sundays?

I’d expect a wide range of answers to that question, and it probably depends on various factors - what the time is, how your day is going, whether there are any kids in tow, etc. Perhaps you’ve been attending church for a long time now, and there is a tendency to just go into autopilot as you walk through the door and not give attention to your mindset.

A few years ago, I read Tony Payne’s helpful little book on how we should walk into church on Sundays. In the opening chapter, he argues for a small but significant shift in this moment, which is to pray about where to sit. This not only expresses our trust in God for what he will do as we gather together, but also turns our attention towards others. He writes:
 

‘When we pray about where to sit, we’re also putting ourselves in the right frame of mind towards each other. We have started to think about the church as being someone other than me. This can be quite a mind-shift, but it’s a vital one. We come to church not only to be loved and blessed by God, but also to love and bless others around us. We come not to spectate or consume, nor even to have our personal encounter with God. We come to love and to serve.’

From experience, this kind of thinking requires intentionality. If we don’t set our minds on the things of the Spirit, then we turn inwards. On the contrary, imagine what it would look like if every person walked through the door having just finished a prayer with a posture of ‘who can I encourage today’ and ‘how can I show hospitality to those who are new’? I think we would see a demonstration of what the author of Hebrews had in mind in chapter 10:24-25:
 

‘And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.’

Last Sunday, Daniel reminded us that as followers of Jesus, we are all called to this kind of ministry and succinctly defined it for us as ‘pursuing God’s purposes in people’s lives for God’s glory and people’s good’. Prayer is our most effective way of fulfilling this.

So on Sunday, as you walk through the gates or park your car, I want to encourage you to join me in starting to pray something like this, with joyful expectancy for what God may do as we gather:
 

Lord, as we gather today, help me to glorify you and serve others. Lead me to those who I can encourage and set my mind on the things of the Spirit as we worship you and hear from your word. Amen.

Lessons from Japan

The Okinawan people of Japan have a tradition called moai. Groups of five children are paired together by their families and make a life-long commitment to each other. These groups of committed friends meet regularly over the decades to share their lives and provide financial support when necessary. A moai is a second family.

Recently, researchers found that being in a moai also significantly impacts life expectancy. Okinawan people in these groups often far outlive modern Westerners. Committed friendships provide joy and stability to their lives - and consequently keep them alive. 

Life-giving relationships like these aren't forged overnight but require time and intentionality. We rarely drift into deep friendships. Genuinely getting to know someone involves swimming against the tide of comfortable superficiality. It involves commitment akin to that in a moai. 
 

For us in London, this doesn’t mean we should literally create a moai or only have meaningful friendships with a group of five. Rather, there are ways we can foster deeper friendships with many of those we already know. We can make moai-like friendships out of existing ones.

One way to do this, which I've found valuable over the last year, is by using a simple framework for conversation: blessing, battle and breakthrough. It has proved helpful in deepening friendships by moving conversation past small talk and trivialities. Practically speaking, you may want to structure group discussion around each topic or pepper the questions into conversation. It's up to you.
 

1. Blessing
 

There's always something to give thanks for. Even when we suffer loss, we can still know Christ. In Him, we have “every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places” (Ephesians 1.3). Fortunately, there are also many material blessings to give thanks for, be it our health, provision, or relationships.
 

How are you experiencing God’s blessing?

2. Battle

Equally, as long as we live, we are in a spiritual war. And at times, it feels like we’re losing. We’re all battling sin, twisted desires, and impure thoughts. Our lives are more messy than we would like to admit.

The enemy would like us to keep our sinful actions, desires, and thought patterns hidden. Doing so may make us appear respectable, but it also leads to greater shame, guilt, joylessness and a culture of superficiality. In contrast, confessing before a trusted friend is liberating. It releases our bondage and leads us to repent before God.

Sometimes, the consuming battle may not be indwelling sin but testing circumstances. Loss, unmet desires, and pain weigh us down. We need a friend’s encouragement and prayers in these moments.

What sin/suffering are you battling?

3. Breakthrough

The Christian should be hopeful. The battle is skewed in our favour because Jesus is victorious over sin. So, we should expect to see God at work in our lives, renewing our minds and leading us to experience greater freedom. Perhaps you’ve also witnessed breakthrough through a change in circumstance or answered prayer.

Where can you see breakthrough?

Using these three Bs in conversation may at first feel clunky, but the rewards will hopefully be worthwhile. Building deep and committed friendships, like for the Okinawan people of Japan, will surely bring joy and vitality to our lives.

Tips for having good conversations

Loving people is our greatest calling. And the simplest way to love other people is to learn how to have a good conversation. It’s often through a conversation that someone feels your warmth, your attentiveness, your interest, your care.

But by saying it’s simple, that does not make it easy. Many things conspire to stop a good conversation from ever happening. You don’t feel like it. Your head is elsewhere. You feel shy. You’ve got things to be getting on with. You’re experiencing interruptions. You have little in common.

A little while ago I came across an excellent and pithy article by Jonathan Noyes with some strong advise in this area. (He’s focussed on conversations that allow you to share your faith, but I think the principles apply more broadly.) Here are some of his tips:
 

Be present. 
 

‘Multitasking is a myth… This means you need to remove anything that might be a distraction from the conversation. Put your phone in your pocket until the conversation is over…

Being present, though, means more than simply removing distractions. It means being in that moment… Don’t be half in the conversation and half someplace else…

When you stay focused on the person you’re speaking to and remove distractions, you show you value him…’
 

Ask questions. 
 

‘Francis Schaeffer said, “If I have only an hour with someone, I will spend the first fifty-five minutes asking questions and finding out what is troubling their heart and mind, and then in the last five minutes I will share something of the truth.”

Schaeffer was on to something. Open-ended questions like “What matters most to you in life?” “What do you find confusing about Jesus and Christianity?” and of course, “What do you mean by that?” help you understand what a person thinks so you don’t misunderstand him — or worse, misrepresent him. Asking questions helps you understand what a person believes but also makes that person feel valued and heard. Questions can be disarming and often help bring down a person’s defensive walls…’
 

Listen intently. 
 

‘The number one tip I can give you to have a good conversation is to listen and be genuinely interested in the other person…

Just like with asking questions, as you listen, people become less guarded, more willing to open up and share their life with you… Steven Covey says, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. They’re either speaking or preparing to speak.” Often, we don’t listen to what’s being said because we’re already working on a response in our mind instead of hearing all the other person has to say… Before you can have a good conversation, you have to be a good listener.’

As I said: simple but not necessarily easy. It takes practice – and you’ll have bad days as well as good. But, learning the art of conversation is truly a superpower in the call to love others.

Making Room At The Table

Sometimes an unexpected dinner guest comes along just before you’re about to serve up. You had all your quantities measured out, but now the meal you’ve planned will have to stretch to fill an extra mouth. You’re happy to have the extra guest, but it’s a bit of an inconvenience. This is something like how it feels to be part of a growing church. Many of us are excited to have new people joining the church. But, if we’re honest, it also might also feel a bit inconvenient. Perhaps we secretly liked the way things were. It’s no secret that the church has grown quite a bit since we came back together after COVID. Being part of a city-centre church will inevitably mean regularly meeting new people. The fact there are new faces every Sunday might initially feel exciting but can easily become overwhelming. How do we welcome people well without becoming jaded? Let me suggest three principles:

1. Remembering the call to practice hospitality. Hospitality in the New Testament could be literally translated, ‘the love of strangers’. Just as Christ loved us whilst we were outsiders, so, when we’re brought into the kingdom, our lives are turned inside out. We no longer live for ourselves, but rather seek to live lives of love, both for our family, and for the outsider. This should change the way you approach a Sunday gathering. You’re no longer coming just to see your friends. Instead, you come ready to welcome the stranger and help draw them into community.

2. Be willing to make room at the table. We may need to make sacrifices in order to accommodate new folks into our community. It might mean being willing to split your life group into two, so there are more places available for new people. Or perhaps being intentional about chatting to someone new on Sunday rather than the people you know already. Being willing to inconvenience ourselves is part of our call to love each other.  

3. Remember we’re family. Ultimately, we’re not just loving newcomers as ‘strangers’. For someone joining the church, we need to remember they’re (likely) our brother or sister. This changes how we greet them. It’s not another encounter with an anonymous Londoner, but rather meeting a member of God’s extended family. We might have very little in common in human terms, but we have a kinship and familial connection that should draw us together. And even if they’re not a Christian, perhaps it’s even more important that we welcome them well, to demonstrate the love of God that they haven’t yet come to believe in! 

None of this should be confused with the importance of intentionally building deep friendships with a few people. We all need people who know us well to speak into our lives. But don’t let the need for deep friendships stop us from being intentional to welcome new people well into our community. Let’s create a culture together, where both deep friendships and a warm welcome to outsiders can flourish.