Loving people is our greatest calling. And the simplest way to love other people is to learn how to have a good conversation. It’s often through a conversation that someone feels your warmth, your attentiveness, your interest, your care.
But by saying it’s simple, that does not make it easy. Many things conspire to stop a good conversation from ever happening. You don’t feel like it. Your head is elsewhere. You feel shy. You’ve got things to be getting on with. You’re experiencing interruptions. You have little in common.
A little while ago I came across an excellent and pithy article by Jonathan Noyes with some strong advise in this area. (He’s focussed on conversations that allow you to share your faith, but I think the principles apply more broadly.) Here are some of his tips:
Be present.
‘Multitasking is a myth… This means you need to remove anything that might be a distraction from the conversation. Put your phone in your pocket until the conversation is over…
Being present, though, means more than simply removing distractions. It means being in that moment… Don’t be half in the conversation and half someplace else…
When you stay focused on the person you’re speaking to and remove distractions, you show you value him…’
Ask questions.
‘Francis Schaeffer said, “If I have only an hour with someone, I will spend the first fifty-five minutes asking questions and finding out what is troubling their heart and mind, and then in the last five minutes I will share something of the truth.”
Schaeffer was on to something. Open-ended questions like “What matters most to you in life?” “What do you find confusing about Jesus and Christianity?” and of course, “What do you mean by that?” help you understand what a person thinks so you don’t misunderstand him — or worse, misrepresent him. Asking questions helps you understand what a person believes but also makes that person feel valued and heard. Questions can be disarming and often help bring down a person’s defensive walls…’
Listen intently.
‘The number one tip I can give you to have a good conversation is to listen and be genuinely interested in the other person…
Just like with asking questions, as you listen, people become less guarded, more willing to open up and share their life with you… Steven Covey says, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. They’re either speaking or preparing to speak.” Often, we don’t listen to what’s being said because we’re already working on a response in our mind instead of hearing all the other person has to say… Before you can have a good conversation, you have to be a good listener.’
As I said: simple but not necessarily easy. It takes practice – and you’ll have bad days as well as good. But, learning the art of conversation is truly a superpower in the call to love others.