The Okinawan people of Japan have a tradition called moai. Groups of five children are paired together by their families and make a life-long commitment to each other. These groups of committed friends meet regularly over the decades to share their lives and provide financial support when necessary. A moai is a second family.
Recently, researchers found that being in a moai also significantly impacts life expectancy. Okinawan people in these groups often far outlive modern Westerners. Committed friendships provide joy and stability to their lives - and consequently keep them alive.
Life-giving relationships like these aren't forged overnight but require time and intentionality. We rarely drift into deep friendships. Genuinely getting to know someone involves swimming against the tide of comfortable superficiality. It involves commitment akin to that in a moai.
For us in London, this doesn’t mean we should literally create a moai or only have meaningful friendships with a group of five. Rather, there are ways we can foster deeper friendships with many of those we already know. We can make moai-like friendships out of existing ones.
One way to do this, which I've found valuable over the last year, is by using a simple framework for conversation: blessing, battle and breakthrough. It has proved helpful in deepening friendships by moving conversation past small talk and trivialities. Practically speaking, you may want to structure group discussion around each topic or pepper the questions into conversation. It's up to you.
1. Blessing
There's always something to give thanks for. Even when we suffer loss, we can still know Christ. In Him, we have “every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places” (Ephesians 1.3). Fortunately, there are also many material blessings to give thanks for, be it our health, provision, or relationships.
How are you experiencing God’s blessing?
2. Battle
Equally, as long as we live, we are in a spiritual war. And at times, it feels like we’re losing. We’re all battling sin, twisted desires, and impure thoughts. Our lives are more messy than we would like to admit.
The enemy would like us to keep our sinful actions, desires, and thought patterns hidden. Doing so may make us appear respectable, but it also leads to greater shame, guilt, joylessness and a culture of superficiality. In contrast, confessing before a trusted friend is liberating. It releases our bondage and leads us to repent before God.
Sometimes, the consuming battle may not be indwelling sin but testing circumstances. Loss, unmet desires, and pain weigh us down. We need a friend’s encouragement and prayers in these moments.
What sin/suffering are you battling?
3. Breakthrough
The Christian should be hopeful. The battle is skewed in our favour because Jesus is victorious over sin. So, we should expect to see God at work in our lives, renewing our minds and leading us to experience greater freedom. Perhaps you’ve also witnessed breakthrough through a change in circumstance or answered prayer.
Where can you see breakthrough?
Using these three Bs in conversation may at first feel clunky, but the rewards will hopefully be worthwhile. Building deep and committed friendships, like for the Okinawan people of Japan, will surely bring joy and vitality to our lives.