Last Sunday, I preached three times on conflict and then got home and had an argument with Jen (my wife). As you no doubt will be, I was immediately struck by the irony of the situation! It was over pretty quickly (neither of us enjoys conflict very much to want it to go on very long), but like many conflicts, it stemmed from the problem of ego (mine in this case). I came home, with a sense of having worked hard and a subconscious desire that Jen would congratulate me and recognise my achievement. She had been looking after the kids all day and was now studying (Jen is a nurse and is doing a course in dementia). She was, quite understandably, focused on her studies rather than praising me(!). And so, my ego was bruised! Of course, the reality should be that we need no praise or recognition from anyone because we live for the approval of God alone. Unfortunately, as you probably know well, our hearts are so often trained on the wrong things! How easily we chase vain glory from man, instead of living for the approval that comes from God! Once we recognised the underlying cause, we were quick to see the silliness of the argument, repent and forgive.
I share the details of our (very happy) married life with you for one main reason. We need to remember that conflict is routine. Because, this side of heaven, we will sin against those we’re in relationship with, it’s almost inevitable that we will experience hurt and conflict will arise between individuals. This should give us appropriate expectations of romantic life (it’s not like in the movies!) and relationships in the church (sometimes we’ll fight). It means we need to have a readiness to quickly forgive and be reconciled to each other whenever we hurt each other.
Part of this readiness should include a commitment to doing conflict in a biblical way. I suspect many Christians are functionally unused to the simple formula that Christ gives us for conflict in Matthew 18.15: “If your brother sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over”. This rules out either denying there is an issue between you, avoiding the person who has offended you or talking to others about their sin. None of these actually resolve the offence. Instead, biblical conflict resolution usually involves five simple steps:
Step 1: Overlooking the offence (forgiveness without discussion)
If you can (and certainly for more trivial offences), we start from the premise that “love covers over a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4.8). If we can forgive someone without raising it with them, it’s to our credit (Prov 19.11). This is not the same as denying there is a problem and simmering with resentment, because it requires genuine forgiveness.
Step 2: Gospel confrontation and confession
Whether we’re aware someone has offended us, or someone is offended with us, Christ compels us to address the issue with urgency. We’re often unwilling to do this, but gently and humbly confronting someone with their fault (or simply where we feel hurt) actually serves your relationship with them. This need not feel one-sided. We should confess our sin to them at the same time.
Step 3: Responding to a grievance
If someone has raised an issue with you, ask God to help you see your sin and get to a place of genuine repentance. This generally involves assessing your conduct in light of scripture and honestly being willing to identify where you’ve erred.
Step 4: Forgiveness and reconciliation
If the offender does recognise their fault, then forgiveness and reconciliation should follow. We cannot be like the unmerciful servant. Just as Christ has forgiven us, we must forgive those who sin against us. This is not the same as excusing sin, but instead, this means looking the sin directly in the eye and wiping the slate clean.
Step 5: Mediation
This shouldn’t usually be necessary, but if the person doesn’t recognise their sin, Jesus goes on to direct us to a Christian version of mediation (“if they will not listen, take one or two others along”, Matt 18.16). In practice, I’d suggest finding a trusted mature Christian (e.g. your life group leader, or one of the elders) and asking them to mediate between you. They should facilitate forgiveness and highlight where they see sin involved.
Ultimately, this is about not being passive. It will feel painful sometimes. But the prize of felt unity i.e. harmony and peace within the body of Christ is a beautiful goal and well worth the effort.
If you’re looking for a fuller rubric to follow in conflict situations, I’ve written a longer paper here.